If you know a good joke send to jokes@positivelamp.com and I will add it. 

 

A buyer asked me why he needs to use the lamp over the whole body even that the affected skin is small.

I explained that it’s similar to taking medicine for a headache. When you have a headache, you swallow a pill—you don’t try to push it into your ear to the brain.

 

Mom: Ronila, how was your first day in first grade?
Roni: It was okay, but there was a woman called “the teacher” who kept interrupting our fun.

 

The teacher: Ron, if you have 8 candies and I ask you for 3, how many will you have left?
Ron: 8
Teacher: Why?
Ron: Because I won’t give you any.

 

A doctor put up a sign:
“Treatment costs 50 dollars. If it doesn’t work, you get 100 dollars .”

A man tries to outsmart him.

First visit:
“I lost my sense of taste.”
The doctor gives him drops.
“Ugh, this is fuel!”
“Great, your taste is back. Pay 50.”

Second visit:
“I lost my memory.”
Doctor gives the same drops.
“That’s fuel—you gave it yesterday!”
“Great, your memory is back. Pay 50.”

Third visit:
“I can’t see.”
“Sorry, no treatment. Here’s 100 dollars.”

The man looks: “This is only 20!”
“Great, your vision is back. Pay 50.”

 

A famous heart surgeon is flying abroad in first class.

A few minutes after takeoff, he urgently asks the flight attendant to find out if there is an anesthesiologist on the plane.

The excited flight attendant announces the urgent request over the intercom, and half a minute later, an anesthesiologist comes running from the economy section.

"Yes, how can I help?"

"Oh, thank you for coming," says the surgeon. "Could you please adjust my pillow and blanket so I can fall asleep comfortably?"

A man walks into the emergency room and says to the doctor in panic: “Doctor, my daughter’s eyes are popping out of their sockets!”

The doctor looks for a moment and says: “Sir, loosen her ponytail.”

A man tells his doctor, “Doctor, I have a problem!”

The doctor asks, “Have you had this problem before?”

The man replies, “Yes!”

The doctor says, “Then it has probably come back…”

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

I am blond hair, blue eyes, and I have vitiligo.
When I say it’s the same thing Michael Jackson had, people ask me if I was Black.

A mechanic says to a heart surgeon, “We basically do very similar work. So why don’t we earn the same salary?”

The surgeon replies, “Try doing your job while the engine is running.”

A man wasn’t feeling well, so the doctor examined him and said: You need a bath full of hot water and a glass of orange juice.

A week later, the patient returns and complains: Doctor, after I drink a bath of hot water, I can not drink the orance juice.

This week I reviewed all my resources and discovered that I am very rich:

I have silver in my hair
I have gold in my teeth
I have sugar in my blood
I have salt in my body
and I have an unlimited supply of natural gas

 

On her deathbed, the woman asked her husband to cremate her body and scatter her ashes in the large mall in the city.

"Why in the mall?" the husband asked.

She replied, "That way I will be sure that my daughters will come to visit me twice a week..."

A squirrel, sitting on a tree, saw a cow trying to climb it.

The squirrel looked at her in complete shock and asked her, Cow, what are you doing?

The cow replied: I came to eat apples.

But Cow, it's a nut tree!

The cow: I brought the apples in my bag.

 

Question: "What did the judge say to the dentist?"

Answer: "Do you swear to pull out just the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

One man was not feeling well, so he decided to go to his friend who was a doctor by profession to get checked out.

After the treatment, he said to him, "We have been friends for a long time and I would not want to insult you and offer you payment for the checkup! But you should know that I mentioned you in my will."

"Thank you very much, that is very kind of you," the doctor replied, "By the way, show me the prescription I wrote for you, I want to make a small change in it..."

 

A girl tells her mother: "Today I played doctor and patient with Danny."

Her mother is startled and asks her: "And what happened?"

The girl replies: "Nothing, he let me wait for half an hour and then told me that since I don't have insurance, he couldn't see me..."

 

From funny graves

https://blog.billiongraves.com/funny-gravestones-youll-die-laughing/

 

 

A fat woman goes to the doctor and asks him what she can do to lose weight.

The doctor replies: "You need to start moving your head from side to side."

The woman asks: "And when exactly should I do that?"

The doctor replies: "Every time you are offered to eat..."

A woman goes to the doctor and complains that everyone says she has a horse's ass.

The doctor listens and starts writing.

The woman asks him: "Are you giving me a referral for plastic surgery?"

The doctor replies: "No, I'm giving you permission to shit on the road..."

 

At a boxing tournament, a man stood and shouted, "Blue, kick him in the teeth!"

A few minutes later the man shouted, "Green, kick him in the teeth!"

"Excuse me, sir," asked the spectator standing next to him, "Who are you on your side, the blue boxer or the red boxer?"

"I'm not on anyone's side," replied the man, "I'm a dentist..."

A man goes to the doctor and asks him: "Doctor, why is tooth extraction so expensive? You can do it in a few seconds!"

The doctor says: "If you want, we can do it slowly..."

A man tells his doctor he’s not feeling well. The doctor prescribes three different pills and tells him to take each one with a big glass of water. Confused, the man asks what’s wrong with him. The doctor replies: “You’re not drinking enough water.

Why the best medication for coughing is laxative? The person will not dare to cought.

 

Why did the astronaut feel claustrophobic on the spaceship?

Because there was no space!

 

Doctor: “The patinet is losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion, what’s his blood type?!” 

Nurse: “B positive.”

Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”